Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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