At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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