I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
