So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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