Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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