I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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