i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
is that a dick in a sweater?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
