i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
