I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
