Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
