Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We left an ass print on the piano.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
