i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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