you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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