I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
