I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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