Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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