He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
