I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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