they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
