it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
