The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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