I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Welp...herpes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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