you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
