yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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