"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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