I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
no more duck duck goose at the bar
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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