I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
