Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
