You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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