After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
