Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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