I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize