Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize