so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
