id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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