At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
