i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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