ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
