Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
