Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
