I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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