I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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