I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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