i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Someone shattered a urinal.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
