Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
