I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
