why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
2020 sucks, I want a refund
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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