If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
