i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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