you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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