all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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