Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just found a bag of teeth...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
