His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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