I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
