I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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