I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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