ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
