Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
