I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
